Introduction
Uncertainty is something that all humans go through - often times on a regular or consistent basis. Sometimes, though we can pick up lessons that are worth taking and adapting.
This article talks about some of this, in general terms, and allowing one’s self to be open to change.
This specific situation, that affected me has to do with someone I care about. There was a situation that ended up having them hospitalized. There were a number of reasons why me having a direct aid in their recovery was challenging - but suffice to say, I was only able to provide indirect support to this individual. What’s interesting about this particular situation is two fold:
- Understanding and embracing the concept on uncertainty.
- Having compassion without expectations.
Understanding and embracing the concept of uncertainty
There’s a really good book [1] about this topic. In this book, it talks about how we as humans like to create a “bubble” around us. Think a padded room, everything’s known and we have full and utter control over the items in that room. When something pierces that room, hitting. us in the heart, so to speak, it feels uncomfortable.
In those times, we have a few choices.
- We rebuild our bubble (insulate ourselves from the feeling)
- We lean into the discomfort, allowing it to change us.
About 7 or so years ago, I had a situation in life that forced the above choices to me, and I opted for option #1 above. I decided to make a decision to insulate myself from what was causing me discomfort at the time - and quite honestly, that was the incorrect decision, as I recently found out.
About 5 or so weeks or so ago, there was an event that really pinpointed my years-old mistake. A situation happened where I was influence by someone that quite literally went through all my padding and hit me squarely at the core. While the event, or the direct outcome from that, didn’t make me uncomfortable, it did change me at a fundamental level.
About three weeks ago, this very same person, a person I care quite strongly about, had the same situation I had 7 years ago. She ended up hospital which lasted about 8 days. This hit quite hard - and I was faced with deep uncertainty. The emotions were challenging to deal with, especially surrounding this person.
Directly helping was impossible. How she’d pull out was uncertain (and is still uncertain given the lengthy recovery involved)
I have the same choices facing me as I did 7 or so years ago. I could either rebuild the bubble, or I could lean into the discomfort. Knowing how I made the mistake I made 7 years ago, and having learned my lesson that she taught me, I opted to lean into the discomfort itself. And, while it was painful, it ended up better than insulation.
The situation at the core of this, and even the aftermath, isn’t fully over yet for me, but when I think about the lessons learned, it’s been worth it.
Here are some of the lessons that personally impacted me throughout this.
- Better overall patience - the situation requires quite a bit of it.
- Better connectivity with others - Solving the 7-year old issue fundamentally allowed me to connect with others in a way that I haven’t had for a long time.
- A better tie to my religious roots - Leaning into meditation and mindfulness practice helped out a lot.
The lesson I’m hoping is conveyed with this blog article is that one can learn lessons from about anything. Leaving one’s self fluid and adaptable is better than closing yourself off from external experiences. But, to be receptive to lessons means dropping ego. Ego, in this case, is our fixed definition of “self”. This includes an assumption of what we know and don’t know, in addition to the overall pressure that pride applies.
Methods for handling uncertainty
For handling uncertainty, there are a few methods I found really useful, and wanted to share them.
Understanding time heals all wounds, or at least gives space
When we’re faced with uncertainty, we often times feel the need to try and solve the issue immediately. Be that closing up the feeling, or the issue that we’re facing. The danger of this is that we’ll haphazardly act, causing more problems than solving.
Often times we rush into something trying to solve it. This can be often a mistake.
Avatar, the Last Airbender is a fantastic cartoon. In it, there’s an episode where King Bumi is deciding whether to fight the fire nation or not. When Aang is talking with the king, after his capture, he talks about types of Jing [2]. The cartoon is worth watching, but the idea of “Neutral Jing” applies here. Basically it means - do nothing.
Doing nothing doesn’t really mean “doing nothing”. What it means is still being present, but giving space before acting. In my specific case, there were many, many times when I had to simply “do nothing” due to the nature of the situation and the people involved. It takes practiced restraint to be able to do it, though.
Opening up, not closing up
In the book Comfortable with Uncertainty [1], on chapter 35, it talks about “Loving Kindness”. “Loving Kindness” [2] is the act of taking interest in the wellbeing of ourselves and then extending it to others. The key part of this is that you start with yourself, then extend to others - even those you don’t like.
In the sense of dealing with uncertainty, we’re in our uncomfortable zone. We want to lash out, or we may want to shell up. Either way, we want to do something at that moment. “Loving Kindness” is one such activity to handle this. What is involves is starting with yourself, having forgiveness and kindness for yourself, then slowly expanding that to others. It turns anger and isolation into kindness.
The activity does two things. First, it changes the negative emotions that we’re feeling into something far more positive. Secondly, it gives us space to think. That space changing our initial perceptions which caused us to feel the way we did in first place.
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Chapter 29 in the book, Comfortable with Uncertainty [1] talks about the need to “lighten up”. In my experience, most people want to appear “composed”. They hide behind masks and don’t let their “inner light” shine. Often times they don’t want to communicate because it may seem “weak”, or “improper”, etc. Everyone’s “damaged” to some degree. Communication is a core and important concept and people need to embrace it more readily. The longer that a problem festers, the more painful it is to address later.
Have patience - with others, and yourself
Emotions are crazy things. We often feel things that may feel “bad”, and chastise ourselves for it. We may feel others are bad because of what they do. You never know what others are thinking and feeling. Some people may just be having a “bad day”. Some days you may just have bad sleep. It’s said that patience is a virtue. This is true - but it’s not only patience in others, or situations, but for yourself too.
Let yourself feel. Let yourself be patience with yourself. Desire to let others feel. Let yourself have patience with others.
It pays off.
Conclusion
I referenced the book “Comfortable with Uncertainty” quite a bit through this post, and it’s a book I highly recommend in general. This whole book is about bringing out your “authentic self”. Earlier, I reference a “7-year old issue”. This issue had to do with not seeing the authentic nature of individuals, because of all the masks people put on to pretend to look composed. This was healed by a single person, and 3-second observation. I’ve had a lot of personal growth in a short period because of this, and other lessons I’ve learned in this short period.
All this because of uncertainty.
Lean into uncertainty, don’t lean away.
It pays off.
